I'll shoot your fats away...
My sleep is always being disturbed!
One minute i was sleeping,
In my dreamland,
Which always turns out crappy.
And the next thing,
I hear "Alright competitors.Upper sec girls,please report.."
Or the sound of the horn which means 'Go'
And the cheerings of those dumbfools.
What the fuck.
Is it the 'Sport's day' season?!!!
ONE AFTER ANOTHER.
It's in the morning.
And in the afternoon,
another stupid session.
Some HEATS!
Go to hell la u guys,
Before I throw raw snails at u guys.
Now,where is my super soaker?!!!
I shall not be bothered.
About everything.
Emotional turmoil.
//////////
this may be the last thing i say to you.probably not because i am not strong enough.maybe this is the last thing.i'm not sure.i'm never sure about stuff when i'm with you.
sometimes i don't understand u.maybe i don't.there were times when u make me feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride.the wind through my hair.the screams,the thrills.its scary but beautiful.and things seems to move too fast.there were times when i feel like i'm a a hot-shot.so wanted.so needed.like those flyer guys giving away their dumb materials.there were times when i feel i'm just a stupid ant which u don't bother to look at.instead, just stomp it away.like i'm less meaningful than a certificate,less important than grades,less needed for a girlfriend.needless to say,i'm just a dirt.brush me off baby.
i admit that i have my bad flaws too.my imperfections.but when everything seems to be my fault, i sit down quietly,to my own soilitude and wonder, "Am i THAT imperfect?Am i THAT bad?" If i am so,why didn't my mom flush me down the toilet bowl.Maybe she herself WISH that she owned some "premonition kit".i don't know.the train rides, the fetchings to and fro,spending the nights to talk to u-indeed makes me deprive of sleep,the nights which i stayed awake just to call u first thing in the moring when u board the bus,the calls even when i'm busy with work,the walk to your home even if its 5minutes-which is not sensible.as it 45mins journey to and fro from my place to yours;and back.leaves me to wonder,am i not worth of any sacrifice from u?right now,i feel like i am just worthless to u.something u just can't wait to chuck away-i am worth the sacrifices i made,i am worth the pain i've been through for the sacrifices,i am worth the small things i gave u.
maybe i should learn how to be nonchalant about everything.about whatever revolves around me.to not be hurt.to never give a damn or thoughts about it ?how can i be.when this little heart is slowly breaking into pieces.breaking when you're eye-candy over someone else.breaking when you're happy with your life.breaking into pieces when the mind runs wild on "Mai,you're being cheated".its not me who wanted to think about being cheated.its self-denial.living in a self-denial world.
at times,i wanted to send u on an 'emotional baggage guilt trip'.to let u feel how it feels to be me.to let u know the sacrifices i've made.to let u experience how sucky to the core i'm feeling right now.and to make u realise that these are not the mornings i look forward too.to be slam on the phone first thing in the morning. to my amazement,is this the morning i've been yearning for?pretty stupid.overall,to let u feel guilty?i may be evil in doing so.but,everyone deserves a piece of what they have done.retribution?maybe so.
they say it takes two to tango.two hands to clap.sounds realistic.i know i am not the one hurting and bleeding here.i know u do.but somehow,maybe it will be better if i'm in your shoe.i gave my all to make everything work.to fit every little thing into a masterpiece.just when i wanted to give myself a pat on my back for the brilliant i am,all i see is my efforts going down the drain. channelled into the river.swept away by the strong current.now i've seen,where has all my efforts gone to.
night after night,i pull myself over this taut of line.and i hate the feeling of loneliness.heard of the song by britney spears,'my loneliness,is killing me'? the feeling of loneliness.thousand of miles away from u.not a phonecall away.not a news from u.instead,how u fair in your life;someone just asked for your number the other day.someone just flirted with you.is that what i want to hear?your voice which is like music to my ears,suddenly it is like shards of broken glass piercing through my internal organ.stabbing Mr.Heart with a sharp knife.ouch! 'green-eyed jealousy mai?' Hmms.wells.
when the sun set,i don't want to wake up from my sleep.i don't want to suffer another day of emotional insanity.when the sun descends,and when the stars littering the sky,i bury myself under the blanket.i hate this sensation.another sucky night.another heart ache.another major headache.emotional exhaustion.at times, i would stare at the ceiling.picturing the ceiling just crack and everything just fall on me.burying me under the rubble of cement & steel.people hoping and praying for lives to be saved.but i pray that mine will be just taken away.u don't even realise u have this magnetic field.you're the south,and i'm the north.u seem to make me attracted to u.to pull me near u.but sometimes,it is like we're alike poles.forever repelling.i wish u can induce me somehow.
i can make myself run with no stoppings to the end of the world,i can make myself turn into a robot and do the chores with no resting,i can make myself to sit down and study for hours-getting A's for combined humanities,i can make myself to laugh until i cry.but can i make u to love me?can i ask god to return those happy moments we've had/shared?. i know those are beyond human controls.
do u have to let me go?is this the only way to end the unhappiness?do i deserved to be dump for a millionth times by u?can't u choose to make me yours for life?don't be afraid to choose baby.if i am given the chance to choose,i would.but i could never do that.human relationship is beyond my control.don't be afraid to hurt me.because i've been hurt.and still is.
on the other side,all i really want;is to go on a globe-trotting with u.to be the only thing u need.to go on a reverse bungee-jumping with u.to be on this roller-coaster ride with u-which in reality i am afraid of heights.but i'm willing to do anything for u.not giving a damn if the ride should turn faulty and hang us in mid-air.and i'd die for u if i have to.to lend u a shoulder to cry on,and with one kiss to end your torture.to take away the pain and fears from u.to be there after a hard day of work. to make u a hot chocolate while u cool down reading the newspaper.a house-husband maybe?i know you've bid your goodbye to me.but do u really want this goodbye?i've never thought of good-byes.but if this continue to hurt,what am i going to do.i've been hurt.i'm insecure now.i'm a lost ship now.stranded amidst the big ocean.where's my lighthouse? or even the northern star?
One last kiss could be the best thing.
